


Miss

by curlycomfort



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Depersonalization, Five's Struggle Detaching From Himself, Gen, Introspection, Past time travel, Siblings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-02
Updated: 2020-01-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:15:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22081675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/curlycomfort/pseuds/curlycomfort
Summary: Number Five always thought too much about how he really couldn't compare what he'd lost when he traveled back in time for a second time, not when he only had shadows and twisted reflections. A beard, protection against the awaiting death surrounding him damaging the possibilities.He had no face to miss because he didn't even look at it.
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy) & Everyone
Comments: 2
Kudos: 36





	Miss

**Author's Note:**

> Needed to get out of writing block and decided to write something.
> 
> Thank you for reading and any feedback is greatly appreciated. :)

It was easy to believe himself saved from the apocalypse when he woke up to see a young face in the mirror.

Six days and counting, none of his siblings were aware of the impending end that was to come for everyone without a warning. Time traveling had been a mistake, but it blessed him with a power people only dreamed of.

It was easy to get carried away by his motivation, forget about the _what ifs_ that would come if he were to be successful in his frantic mission. He was so hungry for that blissful peace, hungrier than he ever was in the apocalypse, where food refused to go down his throat the first few times he bit into a cockroach despite the rumbling in his stomach.

It was so easy to begin losing himself when he stared at a face he'd stopped seeing when he ran away.

Six days and counting, he needed to find an end to the apocalypse. How was it that he was successful in his missions with the Commission but struggling when it mattered the most?

He'd manage something, _surely_ , if not his rep at Temps Commission built up to nothing. He somehow managed to solve things when necessary, when time made people's limbs begin to tremble with the desperation to finish anything before time runs out.

It was always about time. He had a brother cursed with death and a sister cursed with a dangerous word. He was cursed with the absurd awareness of time and space, always calculating, writing down formulas until his hands deformed the numbers into something only he could understand in the moment. Waking up brought him to the same place, the same time, the same thing he's been losing his sanity for in decades.

And yet he always lost vital time in the morning, hands -smaller than he was used to- poised on the edge of the sink as he glared into the ghost of his reflection. The human mind had a way of deforming logic if you thought of it too much. Number Five always thought too much about how he really couldn't compare what he'd lost when he traveled back in time for a second time, not when he only had shadows and twisted reflections. A beard, protection against the awaiting death surrounding him damaging the possibilities.

He had no face to miss because he didn't even look at it. 

The thought didn't even come to mind when he finally showered the dirt and grime off, trimmed the beard to reveal aged skin and wore clothes that felt too soft under his calloused hands.

None of that he could see when a face rid of wrinkles stared back at him. So much history taken away from him, or most likely a piece of himself he sacrificed in order to give others an opportunity. 

Maybe that is what Dad meant when he said one had to acorn in order to time travel. It wasn't the journey itself but to reach a destination by losing something. It wasn't the fear or not someone has but the willingness to give something that can't be obtained once again.

The old man had been right all along, for the damage to his mind and body wasn't because of traveling itself but because he had to deal with losing everything he worked for while away. He had to wake up every day with that new knowledge jabbing at his mind once again.

Number Five sometimes woke up confused and with a coldness rooted deep in his chest upon wondering whether those really were the siblings he left behind all those years ago and not those belonging to an alternate reality. Maybe he'd lost them all already, when he ran out without giving them one last stare.

Maybe that's why he lashed out so much when Luther was about to touch him, or when Klaus accidentally grazed him passing by.

He couldn't be sure of anything anymore. Not even of his own reflection. He could only frown deeply at his surroundings, always hastily looking everywhere, slowly just so everyone would think he was being critical. No one could possibly be let in the fragments of his mind. They wouldn't like what they saw, the mess of loneliness and insecurity that his face refused to show.

 _They_ could still be watching him, after all, they had to change the events of a timeline by having full insight of their subject.

He couldn't let their foolish operation ruin the only good thing he had left. It didn't matter if his siblings had struggles of their own, they deserved the time to get over it, and Five was willing to let go of everything once again, restart to figure out where he went wrong and try again in time. 

He'd always reach that exact same point before looking away from the mirror. Set into motion to brush his teeth, sort through the replicated outfits in his closet without needing to suffer over an outfit.

Delores somehow knew when he'd become conflicted the most, always offering an outlet to the ticking bomb he'd set off on his own.

_You need to listen around you._

The last thought he'd always stay with from their conversation, stepping out the door of his room. And that's when he'd listen in and fall on the little details that brought the house to life.

It had to be real, but it would stop being real if he stayed and listened forever.

He held his hands in front of him, clenched shut as power surged through them in that brief overwhelming wave. A concentration that became a mere thought in his ability, until a hand pat over his shoulder, lightly urging him forward a few steps across the hardwood floor.

"Took you long enough there buddy." 

Five blinked slowly, the darkness giving way to Diego's reatreating form down the hallway, heading the same direction where soft talking drifted out of the kitchen.

Maybe he could listen a little longer.

**Author's Note:**

> Depersonalization is a combination of physical sensations, emotions, and thoughts which lead you to feel so disengaged from your surroundings that you wonder whether or not you're actually in your body. People experiencing this symptom may fear that they're actually someplace else.


End file.
